Finding My Way to The Light

When my OCD took off in January of 2023, I would describe my life as dark. Very, very dark. The tiny part of me that could see the light in this life was pretty much blind. But, it was there. Deep down, I knew that I could get out of the dark. Deep down, I knew I could open my eyes again and see the light someday. I had faith and hope. The tiniest bit of faith and hope I could have. But I had it.

• “Go,” said Jesus, “your faith has healed you.” Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus along the road.” (Mark 10:52)

• "For truly I tell you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you." (Matthew 17:20-21)

My Godfather Andy and his wife Kara live in Boulder, and they always made it well known to me during my time in college that they were there for me to help with anything I needed. I reached out to them without saying it, but I needed help. I needed hope. 

I remember in 2021 when I was in the depths of my eating disorder and about a month before I went into residential treatment, my Godfather pulled me aside during my older sister’s graduation party. He said, “When you come back to school in the fall, I think it would be a fun idea to do a bible study. We can go to a coffee shop once a week or something. What do you think?” At the time, I wasn't able to receive this. I was too consumed in my ED to think about anything else. But after treatment, I heard, “I care about you, I love you, and God loves you. You will be back here for school in the fall and you will make it through this.”

It took me two years to take him up on his offer, but I knew I had to when I felt even closer to death than I had then. OCD is different from an eating disorder. The anxiety associated with my intrusive thoughts was paralyzing. I would be debilitated with panic for days on end. I was unable to do anything other than worry, ruminate, and fear life itself. I was suicidal, apathetic, and depressed. Not knowing how much longer I could endure my suffering, I finally reached out and asked him if Bible study was still an option. He said absolutely.

I would go to their house every Sunday night for dinner and Bible study.

During one of our discussions, Kara, his wife said something that stuck out to me and has stuck with me since. We were in the book of 1 John, and she explained how important it is to keep following and walking in the light. I asked her what that meant to her. I needed the light and I didn't know how to find it. She said it was as simple as it sounds, keep looking for and following the light. Keep doing the right thing. Keep walking in the light. At the time, I hoped to get a little more direction and advice on how to do this, but I now had something to focus on instead of my pain; how to find the light. My curiosity was sparked. I started seeking the light.

At first, I saw this advice as actionable items such as waking up in the morning, getting out of my apartment, going to class, seeing friends, and attending events even if it was the last thing I wanted to do. I had a small hope in doing these things, that I would eventually find the light I desperately needed.

I was still surrounded by darkness for a long time, but I kept walking towards the light even if I couldn’t see it. It took months of getting up and doing the things I needed to do despite how I felt. I never gave up hope, and I persevered to see the light once again. It took longer than I wanted, but I have come to learn that God's ways are not our ways and His timing is perfect.

Now, a full year later, I finally understand what she meant. Walking toward the light means walking toward hope. It means walking toward Jesus.

Walking toward the light means to keep looking for and walking in the hope of our loving God. Keep your eyes fixed on Him. Keep looking for and walking in love. Keep seeking, and you will find.

Love casts out fear. Light casts out darkness. Jesus is the light and delivers us from our darkness because He loves us. Love wins, and it always will. 

“There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.” (1 John 4:18)

“This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all.” (1 John 1:5)